Forgiveness

Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (NIV)

I have decided to forgive those who have hurt me in this crisis in my life.

I have known for a long time that I needed to get to this point. But, I just couldn't seem to get there.

The anger, pain, and hurt has been so overwhelming and intense that it would just take over. And there were times I did not have the emotional energy or strength left to fight it.

But, now that I know that my life is taking a different turn and one that I never thought it would take, I know I need to take this step of forgiveness.

I am tired of all the anger. I am tired of the heavy weight of hurt and pain bearing down on me. I am tired.

I need to move forward, and in order to do that, I need to release that heavy weight. The best way to do that is to choose to forgive.

I know that God, in his infinite wisdom, asks us to forgive because He loves us and knows that is what is best for us. Forgiveness is for our own benefit, and not for the benefit of the one we are forgiving.

We can be free.

The person I was before this crisis was optimistic, content, easy going and always believing the best. I miss that person.

But that person also was too trusting, too naive and too easy going.

The person I am becoming is re-gaining her sense of optimism and contentment, but she is stronger, smarter, wiser. I like her.

I know that forgiveness is a process.

Over the weekend, I made this decision to forgive, and it was not easy. When I prayerfully made that decision and asked for the strength to do it, I have felt lighter and much more positive.

But, that decision continues to be tested. So many times since then, something has reminded me and triggered my ongoing intense pain, anger, and hurt. Those emotions will still take some time to heal. And they will never fully disappear.

So, I know that I need to forgive again and again and again and again. I need to continually make that choice, day by day, minute by minute.

It is very hard. But, it is for me. And I am worth it!

The Unveiling of His Glory

Today's reading from http://www.ransomedheart.com/ :

"The thought of me being called out of hiding is unnerving. I don't think I want to be seen. Many years ago, during my life in the theater, I received a standing ovation for a performance. The audience was literally on its feet, cheering. What actor doesn't crave a standing ovation? So you know what I did? I ran. Literally. As soon as the curtain went down I bolted for the door, so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. I didn't want to be seen. I know, it's weird, but I'll bet you feel the same about being unveiled.

You probably can't imagine there being a glory to your life, let alone one that the Enemy fears. But remember-things are not what they seem. We are not what we seem. You probably believed that your heart was bad too. I pray that fog of poison gas from the pit of hell is fading away in the wind of God's truth. And there is more. Not only does Christ say to you that your heart is good, he invites you now out of the shadows to unveil your glory. You have a role you never dreamed of having.

There's the beautiful scene toward the end of Joseph's life where he, too, is unveiled. The very brothers who sold him into slavery as a boy are standing before what they believe is an angry Egyptian lord, equal in power to Pharaoh himself, their knees knocking. The silver cup of this dreaded lord was found stashed away in their luggage as they headed out of town-placed there by Joseph himself as a ruse. Now Joseph interrogates them till they squirm, deepening the plot by using an interpreter as if he doesn't understand Hebrew, pressing them hard. Finally, unable to hold back his tears, he reveals himself: "I am Joseph; does my father still live? . . . So you shall tell my father of all my glory in Egypt . . . and you shall hurry and bring my father down here" (Gen. 45:3, 13 NKJV). This is who I really am! Tell him about my glory! Amazing. "

John Eldredge (Waking the Dead , 72-73)

This reading today had a huge impact on me.

My life is very soon to be "unveiled".

My life circumstances will soon become more public.

And, I am a very private person.

To say that I am struggling with this would be an understatement.

Even though my conscience is clear and I can hold my head high in how I have handled some very difficult circumstances, it is still a very vulnerable position I feel I am in. And, it is so difficult not to be succumb to very intense anger at the person who made the choices that created this vulnerability for me.

I want to run and hide.

I want to find a cave to hide in and stay away from the world until this all blows over.

But I know I can't, and that it would not be good for me anyway.

"Not only does Christ say to you that your heart is good, he invites you now out of the shadows to unveil your glory. You have a role you never dreamed of having. "

Wow. I am being invited out of the shadows that this situation has pushed me into.... shadows of shame, hurt, betrayal and pain. I am being invited out to unveil my glory.... the truth of who I am in HIM. My role as His daughter, his beloved. That is truth. That is worth revealing in all its glory.

And I have a role I never dreamed of having!

I don't know what my life will bring on the other side of this. But, I do know that my heart is good. I do know that I am loved. I do know that I am worthy of love. I do know that I have a lot to offer this world.

So, what role I play in the unfolding drama of life is yet to be seen. But I believe it will be good. I believe this because my Father is good, and he holds my life in His hands.

There will be hardships and difficulties, yes. There is still some very, very difficult circumstances I need to get through.

But, I will get through them.

And, what comes on the other side could be very good.

So, I am choosing not to be afraid of the "unveiling". I am choosing not to run and hide. I will stand strong with my head held high.

The Love of God

Romans 8:35-39 -" Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Are there more comforting words than this? Right now, for me... no. These words, from God Himself to us brings me such comfort.

Today is a new day and I see things very differently than yesterday. I am thankful for that.

I am choosing to see myself as God sees me.

No, I am not perfect and yes, I make mistakes.

I am learning from those mistakes and growing every day.

But, His love for me is so strong, so constant, and so tender... it brings tears to my eyes.

That love is so powerful and so strong that He does not allow ANY circumstances in our lives to get in the way of it.

And, it is that love that makes us "more than conquerors" to life's challenges. Have you thought about what that means? It is one thing to be a "conqueror". That, in and of itself is pretty cool! A conqueror has victory and overcomes. So, what does it mean to be MORE than that?

It means that we not only have victory and overcome, but that we do so with the God of the universe pouring his love out to us every single minute of every day, healing our wounded hearts and feeding our hungry souls. He is giving us the grace to fully and completely overcome and to move forward in His grace into what He has next for us in our lives.

I am choosing to see myself today as more than a conqueror! I am His child and am loved beyond measure by the King of Kings. He is with me every step of the way, as I walk a path I don't understand and didn't choose. He is looking out for me, guiding me, and protecting me. I am blessed.

Be strong and take heart

I am struggling today with finding balance between the strength and resolve I had been finding within myself, and recent challenges I have received about my choices and behaviors.

I am in a situation in which I have been wronged. There is no question about that.

And in the process of recovering and healing from this, I have found an inner strength within myself that I did not know I had.

But, in order to tap into that strength, I have had to focus on myself. That was and is difficult for me. My life has revolved around caring for others.

So, over the course of this past weekend, it was pointed out to me, on several separate occasions, that I have made choices that reflected characteristics of being unkind, judgemental, and selfish.

When these things were pointed out to me, each time I was taken aback, because I had not seen it at all myself.

It is not my nature to simply dismiss feedback like this. I need to process this, because if there is truth in it, I want to change it.

And, in processing this, for some reason, it feels that the inner strength and resolve has withered away to nothing. I don't know why. I just know I can't seem to find it right now, even when I do the things that helped me tap into that before.

How do I respond to the person who is causing me tremendous pain in a way that is kind, non-judgemental, and unselfish? How do I do that and maintain my inner strength and resolve?

It feels impossible. When my heart softens towards this person, even a little, I feel weak, and vulnerable, and afraid.

I find this very confusing right now.

I am praying for clarity and guidance to find the balance I seek and to respond to this person as He would want me to, while still being strong.

Psalm 27
Of David.
1The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,a
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
4One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
7Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8My heart says of you, “Seek hisb face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
10Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.
13I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

Lord, I am waiting for you and ask that you will guide me with my questions and struggles this day. Help me to be strong and to take heart in You.

Rise Above

Rise above
Stand tall
This is not the end
Sing your song
Shout it out
Life goes on, my friend.

Speak your truth
Use your voice
It's not time to hide
Head held high
Eyes are clear
Sweep your fears aside.

Step by step
Breathe in and out
Conscience clear and true
Lifting up
Your battered heart
You know what to do.

What it Truly Means to Rule your World

"James teaches us that the redeemed should respond to the trials of life competely differently than those who do not have a Christian perspective on life. James teaches us that when we encounter trials, we should 'count it all joy'. This is a reaction that is definitely counterintuitive but part of the Christian distinctive. The word translated 'count' is hegeomai. It is an accounting term that means we are to place trials in the joy column of our emotional ledger. We can only do this if we understand the divine purpose behind trials. Hegeomai also means 'to rule or exercise authority.' In fact, hegeomai was used to refer to an imperial governor. In other words, when you are thrust into a trial, you must become the governor of your emotions and not allow them to run out of control. You must take authority, rule over your feelings, and choose joy as your dominant emotion. Govern your emotions; don't let them govern you." Brian Zahnd in What to do on the Worst Day of your Life

I know, I know.... easier said than done.

But just because it is hard doesn't make it less true.

This is truly the secret to ruling your own world, being in charge of your own destiny, living God's purposes for you on this earth.

Our emotions are powerful and valid. They are real and must be acknowledged and given room to be expressed and healed.

But they cannot dominate us and take control.

When they do, we make bad decisions, we over-react, and we do damage in our relationships.

To choose joy in the midst of trials is no easy task.

It is near impossible.

But not completely impossible....

That is why we have an all powerful and all loving Father

who guides through those dark times and shines the light into those areas of joy.

Let you attention rest on the small blessings all around you this day.

Let that bring your attention to the larger blessings all around you.

Let your heart experience the joy that your Father created those blessings for you.

And choose joy to rule your heart.

As I told my dear sister in Christ yesterday, joy always comes in the morning.

Maybe this is your morning.

If You Forget Me

I keep finding myself coming back to this poem on Kalni's thread. It is so beautiful and filled with both strength and passion.

If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon,
at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
– Pablo Neruda