True Security

I had an opportunity to go away by myself on the weekend. I am so glad I did. I needed time to just "be". There were no demands on me. No one needed anything, there were no obligations, no concerns. I slept, ate, read and prayed. It was wonderful.

During my time of prayer, I asked God to help me find the deeper issues in my life that have contributed to my present circumstances. As much as I have been a "victim" of other people's choices that have caused me great pain, I know that I need to take responsibility for my part. That is hard to do, but I know it is necessary for my healing.

The day that I left, a conversation with a good friend helped me identify some pride in my life. This was hard to acknowledge, but there it was.... plain as day. An issue of pride. I decided to spend some time praying about that while I was away.

In that peaceful, beautiful, isolated setting in the mountains, I asked God to speak to me about my pride. He gently brought different scenarios to mind in which pride has been a downfall for me. I acknowledged those things to my Father and asked His forgiveness and help to overcome this issue.

It was then that I heard Him speak to a deeper place in my heart. It seemed He was saying to me, "I cannot help you uproot your pride until your first let me help you overcome your insecurities."

Oh. Insecurities. Right. I have lots of those.

And they can no longer be ignored. My loving Father was showing me that my issues of pride and anxiety stem from some deeply rooted and long standing issues of insecurity.

I knew, in my heart of hearts, that this is true.

I also knew that I had tried to dismiss them in my life, because it didn't seem to make sense. I grew up in a loving, secure, Christian home. My parents loved me and I knew that. There were no addictions, abuse, infidelities, glaring dysfunctions or chaos in my childhood. I have always known that I have been blessed to have had the childhood I did.

I took that question to God in my prayer time: "Why do I have all these insecurities? Where do they come from?"

I received the most surprising answer: "It doesn't matter."

What? But I want answers. Or do I?

Does it matter? Really, in the grand scheme of things? Does it?

I concluded that it does not.

What matters is that I have struggled with various insecurities most of my life, and it is finally time to overcome them. It is finally time to be free.

So, I began to list off the areas in my life in which I have felt insecure. One by one, I told my Father about them, and one by one I released them to Him and asked Him to heal those areas. Some are too personal to write about, and some are common insecurities that many of us face. But, I realized some of them have almost crippled me in certain areas of my life. And, that is NOT His will for me.

I realized that these insecurities have prevented me from seeing myself the way He sees me. They have prevented me from recognizing my own gifts. They have prevented me from being confident in relationships, in my work, in my choices.

And, because of this, I have developed pride to overcompensate. When challenged with a valid criticism, I would become defensive, because I was not secure enough to face my weaknesses and still feel okay about myself. I would withdraw from people if I felt vulnerable and I would hold back from letting people get to know me. I would become too accomodating in the hope that this would cause people to like me and not see my weaknesses and failings.

And none of this was His will for me.

So, I have released to Him my insecurities. I have released to Him and asked Him to forgive my pride.

And, I am pushing myself to recognize my successes and strengths. I am trying to be honest and not defensive about my weaknesses and failings. I am striving to see myself as my Creator sees me. And, I like what I see.

Psalm 62:1-2
My soul finds rest in God alone;

my salvation comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress,

I will never be shaken.

Success Number Two

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am writing about some of the successes I have had in coping with and overcoming a crisis in my life in the past year. The second success I am acknowledging for myself is that during this past year,

I did not do anything irrational or stupid, even in the face of betrayal and abandonment.

I am very proud of myself for this.

It is not that I wasn't tempted, or did not want to.

Many, many, many days I would fantasize about what I wanted to do to seek revenge on those who had hurt me, or would run through scenarios in my mind of what I would do or say if given an opportunity...

I am thankful such an "opportunity" did not happen. I likely would have regreted my actions and words, and made an already unbearable situation much worse.

I remember when I first realized what was happenening in my life. During those first days and weeks of that sickening realization coming into focus in my mind.... that what I thought could never, ever happen to me was happening.... my first instinct was to pray. I am so thankful that I been grounded in a deep and lasting faith that took root during this time.

I will never forget that in those early, dark days there was one thought that kept coming to me over and over again: "You must stay above reproach". I knew that I needed to not lower myself to the level of others in my life. I knew that my kids needed me to be smart and wise in how I handled the situation.

So I prayed. I found a support system in which I could be anonymous and yet vent and cry and rage and know I was not alone. Some very wonderful, dear, and wise people guided me through what to do when I could not even think straight. I had a plan. I was not helpless. And, I was not alone.

I maintained my dignity.

I maintained my integrity.

I maintained my honour.

I maintained my faith.

And, I gained some wonderful, amazing friends and a new perspective on myself. I will forever be grateful for those people and for all I have learned and gained.

I don't have to be filled with regret and remorse. I can hold my head high and feel good about myself. I didn't handle things perfectly. I made mistakes. But, considering the situation, I can be proud of myself.

That is success!

Heart of Hearts

This is something I wrote today:

Heart of Hearts

Heart of hearts
My deepest voice
Someone tried to steal
You cannot have the heart of me
No matter what you will

I am strong and I am true
My heart rises above
Your nothingness
Your silenced voice
For I choose a path of love

Heart of hearts
My deepest voice
It has now been found!
For it has all along been here
And let my voice resound!

Success Number One

I am taking the advice of a dear, dear, dear friend :-) and writing some blog entries about the successes I have had during this past year of my life. I have learned, sometimes the hard way, that taking this friend's advice is usually a really smart thing to do.

The first success I identified is that:

I WAS ABLE TO TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF MY KIDS AND MY HOME WHILE IN THE MIDST OF A CRISIS IN MY LIFE.

This is no small thing.

Anyone who has been in emotional crisis, or experienced emotional trauma, knows that your normal ability to cope and function becomes severely limited. You are not able to think as clearly, make decisions, nor act on those decisions like you normally would. Most people lose motivation and depression is very common.

I did struggle with all of that.

There were many, many, many days when all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and wish the world away.

But I didn't.

At the forefront of my mind through it all was a consistent thought, "I need to make sure my kids are going to be o.k." None of this was their fault and they did not deserve any of it. And, I knew that no matter how I felt, I needed to be o.k. for them.

Did I do a perfect job? Of course not. My home was not as clean as it normally would have been. Laundry piled up more, important things got forgotten more than they should have.

But, to the best of my ability, despite what was happening to me beyond my control, I did a great job.

Our daily routines were maintained. My family had nutritious meals to eat, clean clothes to wear, and a clean home to live in. My kids could still talk to me about whatever was going on in their lives and they were also still disciplined when it was needed.

I am a good mom.

I always have been, and that did not change during the darkest time in my life. And I pray I always will be. Because I have fantastic kids, and they deserve that.

And I deserve to recognize and honor myself for that.

Strength and Perseverence

Yesterday was a good day.

I had accomplished some things that were really important to me, and huge steps forward.

And I felt strong.

I felt at peace.

I had an appointment with my counselor at the end of the day. She wanted me to learn to "anchor" that feeling in my brain, so that I can access it when I need to feel that way again. We did this partly through me choosing an image to represent how I was feeling.

I chose the image of a tree growing strong and proud out of the side of a mountain.

For me, this image is so powerful and so representative of how I feel about myself at this time.

A tree like this is alone, but yet has all the nutrients and resources it needs to grow strong, and tall, and beautiful.

It withstands all of the seasons and still thrives. When the heat of the summer sun scorches it, it seeks the water it needs through it's roots. And it thrives.

When the thrashing winds of the autumn threaten to break its' trunk and push it down, it digs its roots in deeper and stands strong until the winds pass. And it thrives.

When the deep, long freeze of winter comes and the beautiful branches are weighed down by layers of ice and snow, the tree maintains the nutrients it has stored in its core for that very purpose. And it thrives.

So, when the spring sun arrives, and the snow and ice melt away, the tree is ready to burst forth new buds, which grow into beautiful leaves, and produce life-giving fruit. And it thrives.

No matter what adversities life brings to this tree, no matter what happens that this tree cannot control, this tree has everything it needs within itself to not only survive, but thrive.

And thrive it does, season after season, adversity after adversity, blessing after blessing, growing stronger, more graceful, and more beautiful each year.

Hard to Get

I have been fascinated by the music and life of Rich Mullins since
learning of his tragic and unexpected death in 1997.  I'm not sure
why he has held such a fascination for me, except that he lived his
life and his faith with such passion and purpose, and the lyrics of
his music are so profound.  He also never held back from speaking
truths, even when it created controversy.  He was an amazing man, and
God used him powerfully during his time on this earth.

A few of his songs have been like healing water to my parched soul
during this recent time of crisis in my life. They speak to deep parts
of my heart in ways I would not have even understood without his music.


This one, "Hard to Get", helps me articulate some of the struggles I have
had with my faith during this time. But, it also speaks to the deep truth that
even when we don't understand God, He is still with us. That brings me great
comfort.


These are the lyrics:




You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Listening to my Body

My body is forcing me to stop and to rest whether I like it or not.

I suppose all the emotional stress was bound to catch up with me sooner or later.

I can't fight it.

I am sick and it is what it is.

And that is o.k.

Because it is forcing me to remember to take care of me. I let that slide. No wonder I have been struggling.

This journey is about me. Why do I keep forgetting that? I guess it is because I have spent most of my life taking care of others.

So being sick is forcing me back on track, to focusing on me.

That means I can even be grateful for it.

I can view this as a gift.

I am just surrendering into it. I can't control it, I can't fix it. I can only choose to take care of myself and let this run its course.

I am going to be o.k.

Today is not a good day.

I am weary.

I had a panic attack this morning.

Last time that happened, it took me a day an a half to feel better.

I don't have the fight in my right now to keep doing this.

The pain still overwhelms me, when I least expect it. The needs are so great, and they will not be met. I am getting depleted.

I am losing sight of the goal.

I know I am not alone. But I don't have the strength to reach out, to communicate, to hear, to listen, to process, to speak.

To be honest, I want to just sleep.... forever.

This is a bad day. Bad days are part of this journey. I just never expected one this bad right now. But here it is.

I feel like I am failing, and should be stronger. But I just don't have it in me right now. I think what I need is prayer.

If you are inclined to pray for me, please do. I would be very grateful.

~R.W.~

Prayer of Release

This morning I spent some time in prayer. This is what I wrote in my journal during that time:

Loving Father

I believe in You

And I believe in Your Love.

I believe You want what is best for me.

I choose this day to love myself,

To honor who you created me to be.

In order to do that,

I need to release to You

my pain

my hurt

my anxiety

my fear

my loneliness

my hopes

and my dreams.

Even more importantly,

I release to You

the person most on my mind and heart

the person who caused me this pain.

I release this person to you.

I release my desire to fix and rescue.

I trust You as the Creator of this person.

I trust that You will help this person where I cannot.

I trust that You will take care of this person where I cannot.

Help me to love this person,

But never to lose sight of loving myself.

Help me to know when to reach out,

and when to step back.

Help me to know when to confront,

and when to accept.

Give me wisdom and strength

For a journey I never dreamed I would be on.

I know I cannot travel this path alone.

Thank you for dear friends who are walking with me.

Thank you for answers to prayers in the deepest parts of my heart

That I did not even know existed.

Thank you for knowing what I needed before I did.

I release.....

I receive.....

And I thank.

Amen.