True Security

I had an opportunity to go away by myself on the weekend. I am so glad I did. I needed time to just "be". There were no demands on me. No one needed anything, there were no obligations, no concerns. I slept, ate, read and prayed. It was wonderful.

During my time of prayer, I asked God to help me find the deeper issues in my life that have contributed to my present circumstances. As much as I have been a "victim" of other people's choices that have caused me great pain, I know that I need to take responsibility for my part. That is hard to do, but I know it is necessary for my healing.

The day that I left, a conversation with a good friend helped me identify some pride in my life. This was hard to acknowledge, but there it was.... plain as day. An issue of pride. I decided to spend some time praying about that while I was away.

In that peaceful, beautiful, isolated setting in the mountains, I asked God to speak to me about my pride. He gently brought different scenarios to mind in which pride has been a downfall for me. I acknowledged those things to my Father and asked His forgiveness and help to overcome this issue.

It was then that I heard Him speak to a deeper place in my heart. It seemed He was saying to me, "I cannot help you uproot your pride until your first let me help you overcome your insecurities."

Oh. Insecurities. Right. I have lots of those.

And they can no longer be ignored. My loving Father was showing me that my issues of pride and anxiety stem from some deeply rooted and long standing issues of insecurity.

I knew, in my heart of hearts, that this is true.

I also knew that I had tried to dismiss them in my life, because it didn't seem to make sense. I grew up in a loving, secure, Christian home. My parents loved me and I knew that. There were no addictions, abuse, infidelities, glaring dysfunctions or chaos in my childhood. I have always known that I have been blessed to have had the childhood I did.

I took that question to God in my prayer time: "Why do I have all these insecurities? Where do they come from?"

I received the most surprising answer: "It doesn't matter."

What? But I want answers. Or do I?

Does it matter? Really, in the grand scheme of things? Does it?

I concluded that it does not.

What matters is that I have struggled with various insecurities most of my life, and it is finally time to overcome them. It is finally time to be free.

So, I began to list off the areas in my life in which I have felt insecure. One by one, I told my Father about them, and one by one I released them to Him and asked Him to heal those areas. Some are too personal to write about, and some are common insecurities that many of us face. But, I realized some of them have almost crippled me in certain areas of my life. And, that is NOT His will for me.

I realized that these insecurities have prevented me from seeing myself the way He sees me. They have prevented me from recognizing my own gifts. They have prevented me from being confident in relationships, in my work, in my choices.

And, because of this, I have developed pride to overcompensate. When challenged with a valid criticism, I would become defensive, because I was not secure enough to face my weaknesses and still feel okay about myself. I would withdraw from people if I felt vulnerable and I would hold back from letting people get to know me. I would become too accomodating in the hope that this would cause people to like me and not see my weaknesses and failings.

And none of this was His will for me.

So, I have released to Him my insecurities. I have released to Him and asked Him to forgive my pride.

And, I am pushing myself to recognize my successes and strengths. I am trying to be honest and not defensive about my weaknesses and failings. I am striving to see myself as my Creator sees me. And, I like what I see.

Psalm 62:1-2
My soul finds rest in God alone;

my salvation comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress,

I will never be shaken.