Forgiveness

Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (NIV)

I have decided to forgive those who have hurt me in this crisis in my life.

I have known for a long time that I needed to get to this point. But, I just couldn't seem to get there.

The anger, pain, and hurt has been so overwhelming and intense that it would just take over. And there were times I did not have the emotional energy or strength left to fight it.

But, now that I know that my life is taking a different turn and one that I never thought it would take, I know I need to take this step of forgiveness.

I am tired of all the anger. I am tired of the heavy weight of hurt and pain bearing down on me. I am tired.

I need to move forward, and in order to do that, I need to release that heavy weight. The best way to do that is to choose to forgive.

I know that God, in his infinite wisdom, asks us to forgive because He loves us and knows that is what is best for us. Forgiveness is for our own benefit, and not for the benefit of the one we are forgiving.

We can be free.

The person I was before this crisis was optimistic, content, easy going and always believing the best. I miss that person.

But that person also was too trusting, too naive and too easy going.

The person I am becoming is re-gaining her sense of optimism and contentment, but she is stronger, smarter, wiser. I like her.

I know that forgiveness is a process.

Over the weekend, I made this decision to forgive, and it was not easy. When I prayerfully made that decision and asked for the strength to do it, I have felt lighter and much more positive.

But, that decision continues to be tested. So many times since then, something has reminded me and triggered my ongoing intense pain, anger, and hurt. Those emotions will still take some time to heal. And they will never fully disappear.

So, I know that I need to forgive again and again and again and again. I need to continually make that choice, day by day, minute by minute.

It is very hard. But, it is for me. And I am worth it!

The Unveiling of His Glory

Today's reading from http://www.ransomedheart.com/ :

"The thought of me being called out of hiding is unnerving. I don't think I want to be seen. Many years ago, during my life in the theater, I received a standing ovation for a performance. The audience was literally on its feet, cheering. What actor doesn't crave a standing ovation? So you know what I did? I ran. Literally. As soon as the curtain went down I bolted for the door, so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. I didn't want to be seen. I know, it's weird, but I'll bet you feel the same about being unveiled.

You probably can't imagine there being a glory to your life, let alone one that the Enemy fears. But remember-things are not what they seem. We are not what we seem. You probably believed that your heart was bad too. I pray that fog of poison gas from the pit of hell is fading away in the wind of God's truth. And there is more. Not only does Christ say to you that your heart is good, he invites you now out of the shadows to unveil your glory. You have a role you never dreamed of having.

There's the beautiful scene toward the end of Joseph's life where he, too, is unveiled. The very brothers who sold him into slavery as a boy are standing before what they believe is an angry Egyptian lord, equal in power to Pharaoh himself, their knees knocking. The silver cup of this dreaded lord was found stashed away in their luggage as they headed out of town-placed there by Joseph himself as a ruse. Now Joseph interrogates them till they squirm, deepening the plot by using an interpreter as if he doesn't understand Hebrew, pressing them hard. Finally, unable to hold back his tears, he reveals himself: "I am Joseph; does my father still live? . . . So you shall tell my father of all my glory in Egypt . . . and you shall hurry and bring my father down here" (Gen. 45:3, 13 NKJV). This is who I really am! Tell him about my glory! Amazing. "

John Eldredge (Waking the Dead , 72-73)

This reading today had a huge impact on me.

My life is very soon to be "unveiled".

My life circumstances will soon become more public.

And, I am a very private person.

To say that I am struggling with this would be an understatement.

Even though my conscience is clear and I can hold my head high in how I have handled some very difficult circumstances, it is still a very vulnerable position I feel I am in. And, it is so difficult not to be succumb to very intense anger at the person who made the choices that created this vulnerability for me.

I want to run and hide.

I want to find a cave to hide in and stay away from the world until this all blows over.

But I know I can't, and that it would not be good for me anyway.

"Not only does Christ say to you that your heart is good, he invites you now out of the shadows to unveil your glory. You have a role you never dreamed of having. "

Wow. I am being invited out of the shadows that this situation has pushed me into.... shadows of shame, hurt, betrayal and pain. I am being invited out to unveil my glory.... the truth of who I am in HIM. My role as His daughter, his beloved. That is truth. That is worth revealing in all its glory.

And I have a role I never dreamed of having!

I don't know what my life will bring on the other side of this. But, I do know that my heart is good. I do know that I am loved. I do know that I am worthy of love. I do know that I have a lot to offer this world.

So, what role I play in the unfolding drama of life is yet to be seen. But I believe it will be good. I believe this because my Father is good, and he holds my life in His hands.

There will be hardships and difficulties, yes. There is still some very, very difficult circumstances I need to get through.

But, I will get through them.

And, what comes on the other side could be very good.

So, I am choosing not to be afraid of the "unveiling". I am choosing not to run and hide. I will stand strong with my head held high.

The Love of God

Romans 8:35-39 -" Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Are there more comforting words than this? Right now, for me... no. These words, from God Himself to us brings me such comfort.

Today is a new day and I see things very differently than yesterday. I am thankful for that.

I am choosing to see myself as God sees me.

No, I am not perfect and yes, I make mistakes.

I am learning from those mistakes and growing every day.

But, His love for me is so strong, so constant, and so tender... it brings tears to my eyes.

That love is so powerful and so strong that He does not allow ANY circumstances in our lives to get in the way of it.

And, it is that love that makes us "more than conquerors" to life's challenges. Have you thought about what that means? It is one thing to be a "conqueror". That, in and of itself is pretty cool! A conqueror has victory and overcomes. So, what does it mean to be MORE than that?

It means that we not only have victory and overcome, but that we do so with the God of the universe pouring his love out to us every single minute of every day, healing our wounded hearts and feeding our hungry souls. He is giving us the grace to fully and completely overcome and to move forward in His grace into what He has next for us in our lives.

I am choosing to see myself today as more than a conqueror! I am His child and am loved beyond measure by the King of Kings. He is with me every step of the way, as I walk a path I don't understand and didn't choose. He is looking out for me, guiding me, and protecting me. I am blessed.

Be strong and take heart

I am struggling today with finding balance between the strength and resolve I had been finding within myself, and recent challenges I have received about my choices and behaviors.

I am in a situation in which I have been wronged. There is no question about that.

And in the process of recovering and healing from this, I have found an inner strength within myself that I did not know I had.

But, in order to tap into that strength, I have had to focus on myself. That was and is difficult for me. My life has revolved around caring for others.

So, over the course of this past weekend, it was pointed out to me, on several separate occasions, that I have made choices that reflected characteristics of being unkind, judgemental, and selfish.

When these things were pointed out to me, each time I was taken aback, because I had not seen it at all myself.

It is not my nature to simply dismiss feedback like this. I need to process this, because if there is truth in it, I want to change it.

And, in processing this, for some reason, it feels that the inner strength and resolve has withered away to nothing. I don't know why. I just know I can't seem to find it right now, even when I do the things that helped me tap into that before.

How do I respond to the person who is causing me tremendous pain in a way that is kind, non-judgemental, and unselfish? How do I do that and maintain my inner strength and resolve?

It feels impossible. When my heart softens towards this person, even a little, I feel weak, and vulnerable, and afraid.

I find this very confusing right now.

I am praying for clarity and guidance to find the balance I seek and to respond to this person as He would want me to, while still being strong.

Psalm 27
Of David.
1The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,a
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
4One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
7Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8My heart says of you, “Seek hisb face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
10Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.
13I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

Lord, I am waiting for you and ask that you will guide me with my questions and struggles this day. Help me to be strong and to take heart in You.

Rise Above

Rise above
Stand tall
This is not the end
Sing your song
Shout it out
Life goes on, my friend.

Speak your truth
Use your voice
It's not time to hide
Head held high
Eyes are clear
Sweep your fears aside.

Step by step
Breathe in and out
Conscience clear and true
Lifting up
Your battered heart
You know what to do.

What it Truly Means to Rule your World

"James teaches us that the redeemed should respond to the trials of life competely differently than those who do not have a Christian perspective on life. James teaches us that when we encounter trials, we should 'count it all joy'. This is a reaction that is definitely counterintuitive but part of the Christian distinctive. The word translated 'count' is hegeomai. It is an accounting term that means we are to place trials in the joy column of our emotional ledger. We can only do this if we understand the divine purpose behind trials. Hegeomai also means 'to rule or exercise authority.' In fact, hegeomai was used to refer to an imperial governor. In other words, when you are thrust into a trial, you must become the governor of your emotions and not allow them to run out of control. You must take authority, rule over your feelings, and choose joy as your dominant emotion. Govern your emotions; don't let them govern you." Brian Zahnd in What to do on the Worst Day of your Life

I know, I know.... easier said than done.

But just because it is hard doesn't make it less true.

This is truly the secret to ruling your own world, being in charge of your own destiny, living God's purposes for you on this earth.

Our emotions are powerful and valid. They are real and must be acknowledged and given room to be expressed and healed.

But they cannot dominate us and take control.

When they do, we make bad decisions, we over-react, and we do damage in our relationships.

To choose joy in the midst of trials is no easy task.

It is near impossible.

But not completely impossible....

That is why we have an all powerful and all loving Father

who guides through those dark times and shines the light into those areas of joy.

Let you attention rest on the small blessings all around you this day.

Let that bring your attention to the larger blessings all around you.

Let your heart experience the joy that your Father created those blessings for you.

And choose joy to rule your heart.

As I told my dear sister in Christ yesterday, joy always comes in the morning.

Maybe this is your morning.

If You Forget Me

I keep finding myself coming back to this poem on Kalni's thread. It is so beautiful and filled with both strength and passion.

If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon,
at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
– Pablo Neruda

True Security

I had an opportunity to go away by myself on the weekend. I am so glad I did. I needed time to just "be". There were no demands on me. No one needed anything, there were no obligations, no concerns. I slept, ate, read and prayed. It was wonderful.

During my time of prayer, I asked God to help me find the deeper issues in my life that have contributed to my present circumstances. As much as I have been a "victim" of other people's choices that have caused me great pain, I know that I need to take responsibility for my part. That is hard to do, but I know it is necessary for my healing.

The day that I left, a conversation with a good friend helped me identify some pride in my life. This was hard to acknowledge, but there it was.... plain as day. An issue of pride. I decided to spend some time praying about that while I was away.

In that peaceful, beautiful, isolated setting in the mountains, I asked God to speak to me about my pride. He gently brought different scenarios to mind in which pride has been a downfall for me. I acknowledged those things to my Father and asked His forgiveness and help to overcome this issue.

It was then that I heard Him speak to a deeper place in my heart. It seemed He was saying to me, "I cannot help you uproot your pride until your first let me help you overcome your insecurities."

Oh. Insecurities. Right. I have lots of those.

And they can no longer be ignored. My loving Father was showing me that my issues of pride and anxiety stem from some deeply rooted and long standing issues of insecurity.

I knew, in my heart of hearts, that this is true.

I also knew that I had tried to dismiss them in my life, because it didn't seem to make sense. I grew up in a loving, secure, Christian home. My parents loved me and I knew that. There were no addictions, abuse, infidelities, glaring dysfunctions or chaos in my childhood. I have always known that I have been blessed to have had the childhood I did.

I took that question to God in my prayer time: "Why do I have all these insecurities? Where do they come from?"

I received the most surprising answer: "It doesn't matter."

What? But I want answers. Or do I?

Does it matter? Really, in the grand scheme of things? Does it?

I concluded that it does not.

What matters is that I have struggled with various insecurities most of my life, and it is finally time to overcome them. It is finally time to be free.

So, I began to list off the areas in my life in which I have felt insecure. One by one, I told my Father about them, and one by one I released them to Him and asked Him to heal those areas. Some are too personal to write about, and some are common insecurities that many of us face. But, I realized some of them have almost crippled me in certain areas of my life. And, that is NOT His will for me.

I realized that these insecurities have prevented me from seeing myself the way He sees me. They have prevented me from recognizing my own gifts. They have prevented me from being confident in relationships, in my work, in my choices.

And, because of this, I have developed pride to overcompensate. When challenged with a valid criticism, I would become defensive, because I was not secure enough to face my weaknesses and still feel okay about myself. I would withdraw from people if I felt vulnerable and I would hold back from letting people get to know me. I would become too accomodating in the hope that this would cause people to like me and not see my weaknesses and failings.

And none of this was His will for me.

So, I have released to Him my insecurities. I have released to Him and asked Him to forgive my pride.

And, I am pushing myself to recognize my successes and strengths. I am trying to be honest and not defensive about my weaknesses and failings. I am striving to see myself as my Creator sees me. And, I like what I see.

Psalm 62:1-2
My soul finds rest in God alone;

my salvation comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress,

I will never be shaken.

Success Number Two

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am writing about some of the successes I have had in coping with and overcoming a crisis in my life in the past year. The second success I am acknowledging for myself is that during this past year,

I did not do anything irrational or stupid, even in the face of betrayal and abandonment.

I am very proud of myself for this.

It is not that I wasn't tempted, or did not want to.

Many, many, many days I would fantasize about what I wanted to do to seek revenge on those who had hurt me, or would run through scenarios in my mind of what I would do or say if given an opportunity...

I am thankful such an "opportunity" did not happen. I likely would have regreted my actions and words, and made an already unbearable situation much worse.

I remember when I first realized what was happenening in my life. During those first days and weeks of that sickening realization coming into focus in my mind.... that what I thought could never, ever happen to me was happening.... my first instinct was to pray. I am so thankful that I been grounded in a deep and lasting faith that took root during this time.

I will never forget that in those early, dark days there was one thought that kept coming to me over and over again: "You must stay above reproach". I knew that I needed to not lower myself to the level of others in my life. I knew that my kids needed me to be smart and wise in how I handled the situation.

So I prayed. I found a support system in which I could be anonymous and yet vent and cry and rage and know I was not alone. Some very wonderful, dear, and wise people guided me through what to do when I could not even think straight. I had a plan. I was not helpless. And, I was not alone.

I maintained my dignity.

I maintained my integrity.

I maintained my honour.

I maintained my faith.

And, I gained some wonderful, amazing friends and a new perspective on myself. I will forever be grateful for those people and for all I have learned and gained.

I don't have to be filled with regret and remorse. I can hold my head high and feel good about myself. I didn't handle things perfectly. I made mistakes. But, considering the situation, I can be proud of myself.

That is success!

Heart of Hearts

This is something I wrote today:

Heart of Hearts

Heart of hearts
My deepest voice
Someone tried to steal
You cannot have the heart of me
No matter what you will

I am strong and I am true
My heart rises above
Your nothingness
Your silenced voice
For I choose a path of love

Heart of hearts
My deepest voice
It has now been found!
For it has all along been here
And let my voice resound!

Success Number One

I am taking the advice of a dear, dear, dear friend :-) and writing some blog entries about the successes I have had during this past year of my life. I have learned, sometimes the hard way, that taking this friend's advice is usually a really smart thing to do.

The first success I identified is that:

I WAS ABLE TO TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF MY KIDS AND MY HOME WHILE IN THE MIDST OF A CRISIS IN MY LIFE.

This is no small thing.

Anyone who has been in emotional crisis, or experienced emotional trauma, knows that your normal ability to cope and function becomes severely limited. You are not able to think as clearly, make decisions, nor act on those decisions like you normally would. Most people lose motivation and depression is very common.

I did struggle with all of that.

There were many, many, many days when all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and wish the world away.

But I didn't.

At the forefront of my mind through it all was a consistent thought, "I need to make sure my kids are going to be o.k." None of this was their fault and they did not deserve any of it. And, I knew that no matter how I felt, I needed to be o.k. for them.

Did I do a perfect job? Of course not. My home was not as clean as it normally would have been. Laundry piled up more, important things got forgotten more than they should have.

But, to the best of my ability, despite what was happening to me beyond my control, I did a great job.

Our daily routines were maintained. My family had nutritious meals to eat, clean clothes to wear, and a clean home to live in. My kids could still talk to me about whatever was going on in their lives and they were also still disciplined when it was needed.

I am a good mom.

I always have been, and that did not change during the darkest time in my life. And I pray I always will be. Because I have fantastic kids, and they deserve that.

And I deserve to recognize and honor myself for that.

Strength and Perseverence

Yesterday was a good day.

I had accomplished some things that were really important to me, and huge steps forward.

And I felt strong.

I felt at peace.

I had an appointment with my counselor at the end of the day. She wanted me to learn to "anchor" that feeling in my brain, so that I can access it when I need to feel that way again. We did this partly through me choosing an image to represent how I was feeling.

I chose the image of a tree growing strong and proud out of the side of a mountain.

For me, this image is so powerful and so representative of how I feel about myself at this time.

A tree like this is alone, but yet has all the nutrients and resources it needs to grow strong, and tall, and beautiful.

It withstands all of the seasons and still thrives. When the heat of the summer sun scorches it, it seeks the water it needs through it's roots. And it thrives.

When the thrashing winds of the autumn threaten to break its' trunk and push it down, it digs its roots in deeper and stands strong until the winds pass. And it thrives.

When the deep, long freeze of winter comes and the beautiful branches are weighed down by layers of ice and snow, the tree maintains the nutrients it has stored in its core for that very purpose. And it thrives.

So, when the spring sun arrives, and the snow and ice melt away, the tree is ready to burst forth new buds, which grow into beautiful leaves, and produce life-giving fruit. And it thrives.

No matter what adversities life brings to this tree, no matter what happens that this tree cannot control, this tree has everything it needs within itself to not only survive, but thrive.

And thrive it does, season after season, adversity after adversity, blessing after blessing, growing stronger, more graceful, and more beautiful each year.

Hard to Get

I have been fascinated by the music and life of Rich Mullins since
learning of his tragic and unexpected death in 1997.  I'm not sure
why he has held such a fascination for me, except that he lived his
life and his faith with such passion and purpose, and the lyrics of
his music are so profound.  He also never held back from speaking
truths, even when it created controversy.  He was an amazing man, and
God used him powerfully during his time on this earth.

A few of his songs have been like healing water to my parched soul
during this recent time of crisis in my life. They speak to deep parts
of my heart in ways I would not have even understood without his music.


This one, "Hard to Get", helps me articulate some of the struggles I have
had with my faith during this time. But, it also speaks to the deep truth that
even when we don't understand God, He is still with us. That brings me great
comfort.


These are the lyrics:




You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Listening to my Body

My body is forcing me to stop and to rest whether I like it or not.

I suppose all the emotional stress was bound to catch up with me sooner or later.

I can't fight it.

I am sick and it is what it is.

And that is o.k.

Because it is forcing me to remember to take care of me. I let that slide. No wonder I have been struggling.

This journey is about me. Why do I keep forgetting that? I guess it is because I have spent most of my life taking care of others.

So being sick is forcing me back on track, to focusing on me.

That means I can even be grateful for it.

I can view this as a gift.

I am just surrendering into it. I can't control it, I can't fix it. I can only choose to take care of myself and let this run its course.

I am going to be o.k.

Today is not a good day.

I am weary.

I had a panic attack this morning.

Last time that happened, it took me a day an a half to feel better.

I don't have the fight in my right now to keep doing this.

The pain still overwhelms me, when I least expect it. The needs are so great, and they will not be met. I am getting depleted.

I am losing sight of the goal.

I know I am not alone. But I don't have the strength to reach out, to communicate, to hear, to listen, to process, to speak.

To be honest, I want to just sleep.... forever.

This is a bad day. Bad days are part of this journey. I just never expected one this bad right now. But here it is.

I feel like I am failing, and should be stronger. But I just don't have it in me right now. I think what I need is prayer.

If you are inclined to pray for me, please do. I would be very grateful.

~R.W.~

Prayer of Release

This morning I spent some time in prayer. This is what I wrote in my journal during that time:

Loving Father

I believe in You

And I believe in Your Love.

I believe You want what is best for me.

I choose this day to love myself,

To honor who you created me to be.

In order to do that,

I need to release to You

my pain

my hurt

my anxiety

my fear

my loneliness

my hopes

and my dreams.

Even more importantly,

I release to You

the person most on my mind and heart

the person who caused me this pain.

I release this person to you.

I release my desire to fix and rescue.

I trust You as the Creator of this person.

I trust that You will help this person where I cannot.

I trust that You will take care of this person where I cannot.

Help me to love this person,

But never to lose sight of loving myself.

Help me to know when to reach out,

and when to step back.

Help me to know when to confront,

and when to accept.

Give me wisdom and strength

For a journey I never dreamed I would be on.

I know I cannot travel this path alone.

Thank you for dear friends who are walking with me.

Thank you for answers to prayers in the deepest parts of my heart

That I did not even know existed.

Thank you for knowing what I needed before I did.

I release.....

I receive.....

And I thank.

Amen.

Bloggin' It

The purpose of this blog is to tell my story, to chart my journey, and hopefully to help others along the way.

I am coming out the other side of a year from hell. My worst nightmare came true in my life. And, thank God, I am now on a journey of healing from this. I am even at the point where I can say that I choose to no longer call it a nightmare. It was a crisis, that has prompted huge change for me. I don't think I will ever be able to say that I am grateful for the crisis. But, what I AM grateful for is the change.

At this point, I am not going into all the details of what happened in my life. The people I choose to share this blog with will know anyway.

And, what happened is actually not what is important. What is important is my journey now. That is the part I want to share.

I am choosing to name this blog "Rockin' and Rulin'" for a very specific reason. It is because my world was rocked, shattered, and blown apart. I lived for months in that shattered and broken state.

And, slowly, with the help and support of a community of friends, and especially a few key people, I learned that I no longer need to keep living with my world rocked. I can choose to be the ruler of my own world. I can choose to take charge of what happens to me from here on. I no longer need to feel shattered and broken.

I am alive!

I am strong!

I am in control!

I believe in myself!

and.... most importantly.... I AM WORTH IT!!!!!

I know I am.

So, now I work on my healing process, my reclaiming of my life, and rediscovering who I am after my world was rocked. I am creating the world I want for myself. And I am excited about that.

No matter what has happened to me, life is full of goodness and blessings. There is a God who loves me. There are people who love me and support me. And I am going to be ok. I will be better than ok. I will thrive.

So welcome to my blog. I hope it is helpful to someone. I will be sharing some of my writing, some of my thoughts, some of my reflections on my journey.

May God bless you.